Tag Archive: Life


The Feeling that is….Love!!!!

The feeling that is….Love,

Unparalleled and Untouched,

The World seems above,

With our hands clutched!!!

 

I feel your presence,

Even in your absence,

Like the slow touch of breeze,

Why does my heart freeze???

 

The Red of the morning Sun,

The Violets of the Twilight,

Say that You are my loved One,

The star of my skylight!!!!

 

I can feel your smiles,

Even when I’m miles,

Your whisper…I hear,

Your laughs….I endear!!!

 

Life stands very still,

When you are not near,

It sends down a chill,

When you are not here!!!

 

Our times together,

In sorrows and joys,

Like the birds of same Feather,

Our memories are my poise!!!

 

There might be many dreams,

In this world all over,

But you are my Life’s extreme,

Like the white snow’s shower!!!!

 

My love for you is deep,

As color of the Dark Rose,

I’ll always be your steep,

Even if the time Slows!!!

 

The Feeling that is… Love,

Unparalleled and untouched,,

Your feelings…I’ll crate,

You are my Soulmate!!!!

©Krishnaveni Balasubramanian



The Mystery Of Full Moon!!!

Success can be skeptical….It raises beyond the far boundaries of Human imagination…We keep running behind it only to realize later that “SUCCESS”-this seven letter word does not come easy to anyone…I realized it quite late in my life…But the most important thing is that Experiences teach us Things that No Book In this world can ever do…

I would not say,that I was some great scholar or genius(or anything comparable to Einstein or Newton material)…But having the required percentile for Science Group had actually narrowed down all my options…I was confused…Utterly confused about what to do about my Life…I was on absolute dead end…Having passed out from the safe confines of School life (which I still miss very much…Because School was like Second home to me:( )…Suddenly I found myself in world with all unfamiliar faces…Before I could register in the shock of being hassled into the Science group(which I absolutely loathed)…Two years were gone…I was so lost in those two years trying to comprehend with the changes in my SO-CALLED-NEW-COLLEGE-LIFE,that I almost forgot what studies meant(literally speaking,I lost my mind)…The only thing that I learned in those years was what PEER PRESSURE IS…Trying to stick my nose behind the most talented and biggest Geniuses from the city…I could not carve my own niche….I felt like outcast…

I was constantly compared to the Innumerable brains in my class…I need to say this,that Comparison in no way is encouraging…They just make you ponder all the more about your capabilities and make you wish that you were not what you are…But were someone extraordinary…Someone out of this world…You wish for that magic wand which will swipe out all your problems with one stroke…But reality strikes in hard way…Success counts on HARD WORK…No magic can complement our own ability…The only problem is that we as individuals are not aware of our own abilities…We give too easily to peer pressure..try to mold ourselves like the others….In this process…We lose the “Real Person” that we are…We disappoint not others but ourselves!!!!

Hmm…so the completion of those two years did not bring joy..But only bought in more agony…The agony of my FUTURE PROSPECT…Because I was at loggerheads…Now I had two options…Either to listen to what my parents had selected for me or decide my own future course on my own…But did I have the guts to stick to my own guns…The worst thing in life is being uncertain about the “Things that you REALLY WANT in your life” and “Things that you don’t”…I too was unsure…Of whether I should listen to my parents or my Heart…I choose the course which excited me…..rather the one that my parents had chosen….But only making the right choice doesn’t count….You need to make things work….That was where I went wrong….I thought my responsibility ended with taking the decision….What a Fool I was!!!!

Three years down the line…Again I proved to be utter failure….What utter shame,my parents thought….They found this opportunity very enticing to point out…that I had made the decision of choosing profession that they never thought was good enough for me…..Again I did not know where to head from here….Life seemed a puzzle…where I had complicated things for myself…I did not understand the intriguing complexities of the Book called “LIFE”….Pondering around with questions in mind…..with no answers….I sat on my the rooftop….Staring at the night sky….and  looked for around for answers to all the questions in my life….

That was when I realized that the answers to my questions was right there hanging majestically in the sky…..THE FULL MOON…from the time I was a kid,I had been enchanted with the beauty of the moon…But I never knew that the moon held answers to my questions…There it was shining in the sky in all its glory….mesmerizing me as always…

As a child…I had always fantasized about the Moon…..Like any normal kid…I would keep staring the at the moon from the window while traveling and wonder….Why is the Moon following are trail???……At times,I used to ponder why the moon keeps on becoming small and small until it finally vanished from the sky ….There might be quite scientific lot of scientific reasons available for these childish questions….But the only fact that has not changed in all these years is that I still very much love the moon….The glow and beauty of the Full Moon is unprecedented….Nothing can stand up to it….May it is the best example of beauty which despite not being completely flawless…strikes out as the imagination of many poets and their poems…. But never had I thought that the moon stands as  the answer to dilemma….

I was just siting and watching the full moon glow in all its glory…when I suddenly remembered that just few days back the moon was just half the size it is now…But then now it has grown to its full size….This just made me realize that the two most important lessons in my life-

1)Nothing in this world is persistent forever….The moon has to complete 14 days cycle to regain its past beauty once it passes its last quarter phase and ends up being invisible on the New Moon….That day,the New Moon became a symbol of bad endings for me…..Like all good things do come to an end…all bad things do so…Whenever one way closes…another way opens up….There is no such thing as dead end in this world….Everything is just a periodical cycle going through phases of LIFE….

2) Secondly that like the Moon declines in shape and then comes back to its full size….Ups and downs are certain in life….But it will never be like that you will only have down fall….You can rise above the problems…Only that Inner Fire is needed…which will drive you all the  way to the top…..Determination is required….well,it is known fact that those few baby steps will always be required before you finally learn to  walk on your own…..

So,I got back again….Almost like the phoenix from the ashes…This time I was determined to make something out of my life….Two years down the line,now I’m PhD research scholar…. I’m thank full enough to myself for sticking to my own decisions rather than giving up to my parents choice or getting sucked up in peer pressure….I don’t regret my past decisions now…..Because finally I made something out of my life and made  my parents proud as well…Today,I’m at the place where I have the liberty to choose the way I wana live my life….So the only advise…(actually advise sounds so cliched)so I guess this should be a humble request more so over to all my friends….that please don’t ignore the pleas of your heart…No matter where you go…and what you do and what you are….Your heart will always know know what is right for you…Be unique in yourself…Never give to the ball game of Peer pressure….Do that which suits you best….Because in the end…Your so called friend from whom you may feel major complex may be the most popular or the most successful….But he or she can never be YOU!!!!!….LOVE THYSELF AND THE WORLD WILL RESPECT YOU!!!!!…..Because the world respects only those few who have the vision and the guts to stick to their own conventions and rules….:)

©Krishnaveni Balasubramanian

Most of us have experienced fear at some point of time in our Life…Some have a fear for water and are called “Hydrophobic”…Some fear heights and are called “Acrophobic”…The list is endless and so are the many dimensions of fear…There might no Man alive who didn’t have fear…Because from my point of view…”Everyone should have HEALTHY fear”…Now you might think as to how fear can be healthy…Let me illustrate some incidents from my Life which have taught me to respect fear(and also made me learn how to overcome them as well)…

But before that,We should know what this word “Fear” actually means???….According to the Dictionary,Fear has been defined as “An emotion experienced in anticipation of some specific pain or danger (usually accompanied by a desire to flee or fight)”….Now I really don’t know about the flight thing….But I’m very sure of the FLEE thing!!!…Because most of the times,I find the FLEE option very enticing to use…instead of facing the fear…Until….Of course,Some day I’m left with no other option but to FACE IT….That to….Headstraight:(

So here is list of all the Fears that I faced in my Life…On how I overcame them…How’s the “Healthy Bug” involved-
1) The Fear Of Fire-
The biggest possible reason of why I’m very bad cook…is my Fear for Fire….which is called as Arsonphobia(at times I feel the phobic terms used for each Fear is more frightening than the fear itself:D)…Actually,I didn’t have first hand experience of this phobia till I entered my Chemistry Laboratory in school…We had to light a matchstick for an experiment and that was when…I was hysteric,because Fire would drive my nerves crazy….Even after my arduous efforts at trying to light matchstick…without getting my fingers burned in the process…I failed miserably…But I did not have the option to stay for all my lifetime with this phobia…Because we had chemistry practicals exams in the next week…A week’s notice!!!!

Way of Escape-So I did what I always did for my Exams…Made my Mom sit with me and tried to light as many matchsticks as I could…Trying to get control on my shivering hands…I won’t say that I succeeded much at that…But at least,I learned how to light matchstick,by getting better control on my nerves(making sure that I did not blast the lab)…After all these years,now that I have to use fire in lab on daily basis for all microbiological work…I don’t get any goosebumps as such…I’m not still very good cook…But at least,I can cook something decent enough without setting the kitchen on fire…

Healthy Bug- It’s good that as kid,I was afraid of fire…Because I’m such naughty kid..that I might have just set the gas stove on for fun…But the fear persisted me from at least going anywhere near the gas stove til I was old enough to know the consequences…Thanks to my fear…I’m still alive(so are others at my home!!!)

2) The Fear For Crawling and Creeping Creatures on Planet Earth-
This fear stems from my absolute hatred for all creatures that creep and crawl(including cockroaches,lizards,millipedes,centipedes and rats)….Every creatures that drives me up the wall…shouting and screeching…The phobia is called Entomophobia (this phobic term is at the most in sync with the fear itself)…
I had mostly leave the job of driving these things out to my Dad…who always felt that it was his birth right to kill these pests and make our Home…Pest free Zone!!!

I would not have the dare to face these creepy crawly pests…Until I had no other option left…I was alone in my Hostel room for study holidays…That was when,One fine evening,I found my nightmare…Right in my cupboard…Siting there in royal posture like King!!!….A large Garden Lizard!!!….I freaked out like anything…I had stayed in harmony for many years with lizards at home…Keeping as much distance from them as possible….I would have left this one as well…But it was happily chewing into my food supplies…and I was not particularly excited at having Garden lizard as a room mate…


(Frankly this is not my Dog…I just downloaded this picture…Because the Lizard was just as big as the one on this Dog’s back)

Way Of Escape-Then I had to do the inevitable…Drive Mr.Bossy out all on my own…I took the only help available then…Broomstick…Tried to drag it out from my cupboard…But being garden Lizard…Not only was it more Big in Size…But also more sticky…So it won’t give up easily…Already,I was sweating like I was in Hell(thinking of the possibility that what if this beast jumped on me)…So I dragged it with all the force that I could apply…At last,it came off…So I just pushed it off the window and shut it closed…So that no garden lizard again found its way into my cupboard(most importantly near my food supplies:( )

Healthy Bug-It’s good that I was afraid of lizards…Because that day after driving it out…I realized one more time…That until You FACE Your fear…It is going to haunt you all your life…Making you a Big time Phobic…Fear can only be overcome By seeing it eye to eye (although I won’t say that seeing lizard’s eye is such a good option)….But at least,now I won’t stand having those crawling creatures in my room…Although….Of course,I still don’t have my Dad’s guts to kill them….But I guess there are more peaceful ways to survival:)….

3) FACEBOOK OBSESSION SYNDROME (FOS)-
This age has seen the rise of technology…and bigger part of it was associated with Communication…In good old days…The only ways were letters,money orders (love letters being strictly reserved for pigeons)…and most recently Emails…But progress bought with it a massive phenomenon…Which is called as “FACEBOOK”….Anytime you login…You will always find your friends there…The only problem being that many of them may be people whom you haven’t met in you whole life….But now Facebook has become more than way of Life..It has become an ADDICTION….The worst thing being…that I’m big time Addict!!!

Despite the fact,that I’m well aware of the ill effects that FOS causes like any other dangerous disease…In fact I can very well see the signs and symptoms,which I had like to share with you all-
1) Sudden urge to login and check news feed(as if the world would end and you won’t even know about it,if you didn’t check the feed)
2)Updating your status every hour and then checking out,if anyone has commented on your status,almost 60 times.
3)Chatting with friends almost for whole day(But when you meet them personally…all you have to say is simple Hi or Hello)
4)Posting all your family trips pictures and waiting for comments(until some one from your family sees them…and holds you responisible for spoiling their “VIRTUAL” image on facebook!!!)

Now you all must be wondering about what is fear associated with Facebook…Well..the fear is of having the stigma of not being “NET-SAVVY AND OLD FASHIONED”…if you are not on Facebook…Then you are most backward and illiterate person on Planet Earth…To be in sync with recent trends and to get yourself called as “all knowing”…You have to part of FACEBOOK…

Way Of Escape-There is absolutely no escape from this fear…Until we get control on our mindset…We have to accept the fact that being on social website doesn’t improve our social image…But damages it all the more…Because all those futile hours before computer….Could be properly utilized somewhere else…Instead of being stuck online with friends…Why not make that extra effort…Just shut down that computer,catch up with all your friends OFFLINE…plan trip where you can experience the Real beauty of Nature and feel the touch of fresh breeze…than trapping yourself in this virtual world,which just keeps you far away from the real world…and the REAL lively people in it….

So…what would you prefer…Trekking in some Green forests like the one on the left or Going for walk on the beach with your loved one’s….or just keep on staring on the blank screen in between…I had prefer the Treks…What about you???

Healthy Bug-There is nothing good about this Fear…But if you overcome this,surely it will be good…I can’t say anything more about this…because I have myself not overcome this fear….The process still continues….But one day,I’m sure that I’ll will succeed in getting over this fear as well…Because living without a social network is obviously less scary than Fire and Lizards:P….When I can get over them….I can surely get over “Facebook Obsession Syndrome” as well….Hope you all will also be successful in overcoming all your fears….Because beyond that fear,There is the joy of satisfaction….That ultimately,You are no more PHOBIC!!!!

©Krishnaveni Balasubramanian

The Broken Pieces….

It is human tendency that we think of all possible ways to increase our agony more…When we are already very much agonized….Instead of thinking of solutions for the problems,we love to take on the blame and keep kicking things that would in no way help to solve the problems…

The same was situation at Ram’s home….He had invested all of his earnings in this new venture…His dreams of so many years…To have his own business…To be His own Boss…To be not the employed…But the EMPLOYER…But now all this was impossible…because his dreams had crashed down like the pile of cards…Because he didn’t know that dreams are meant be recognized…But with great caution and planning…This was where He went wrong…so very wrong…Because He believed in the wrong people and invested at wrong place…Those people took away not just Ram’s money…But also his confidence!!!

So now that everything was gone,Ram had nothing left but to sit and blame himself for his belief…Which had failed so miserably,that was something which he could not accept….Like everyone else,the first thought that came to his mind was to commit suicide…But then he looked at his old parents and thought that by killing himself…He could not punish them,for his mistakes…But then what else could he do…He sat down in the corner of dark room and refused to come out…He refused to eat…Because he felt that after failed so miserably…He had no right to do that…He had failed all….

That was when he felt a soft hand on his shoulders and heard his favorite voice…The voice that he loved the most…” Ram,You have grown so frail…You don’t eat properly…What is this thing that you new age boys have against food…You people work so much that by the time you are settled..You look 50 years old”…Then she stroked his hair and smiled…Ram could not take it anymore….He hugged her and cried out loud…” Now,don’t cry…I know,I’m abit late…I had promised that I’ll come when you start with your new venture…But I could not…I’m sorry…You know about the old man at home…He may be grandfather now,but if I’m not home…He won’t survive a day…Your aunt come down to stay for week…So finally,I could get rid of Old Man”…She laughed..

Unknowingly,Ram found himself smiling….” Come on,Grandma…You will never stop mocking Grandpa…How is he?”…”He is all good…Must be even better now…because I’m not home to stop him from eating sweets…I don’t understand how to get rid of his cravings for sweet nothings and increasing his insulin levels…Tell me dear,what all is happening at your new office?”…That was when Ram could no longer stand looking into her bright eyes.” Grandma,I failed…I did a big mistake…I failed miserably…I have failed you all…Father,Mother and You of all”….” It’s all right,Child….One mistake is allowed for everyone…If you don’t do mistakes,how will you learn”…..

“No,Grandma…It’s my mistake…Father had told me beforehand that I should not invest before knowing well all the details of the venture and the people involved…How could I fail father with all the hard earned money of his life and also mine…He had so much faith in me…I failed so badly…What will think of me..The society will call me a FAILURE…But may be that’s right…I’m not good for anything…I’m such a big Waste…No one will ever trust me again…All my dreams have shattered…I’ll never dare to Dream again”….For that Grandma said nothing more and walked away….Ram watched her walk away slowly from the room and glanced down….He knew no way out of this…

That was when he suddenly heard clash outside….Something had fallen down and strung all along…Then he heard his Grandma’ s sober cry…Ram instantly ran out and found on the floor….Broken pieces of his favorite blue vase…and nearby his Grandma sat down and was sobbing…” I’m so sorry,Ram..I didn’t do it knowingly…While i was coming out…I knocked it out by mistake…I’m so sorry Ram…I broke your favorite vase…Oh God…I’m such an Old Shack…Can’t even look while I’m walking…Forgive me,Ram…No,I don’t think you will forgive me…That vase was your Fathers gift….You cherished it so much…You will never forgive for breaking it…Oh,What shall I do???”

Ram sat down,wiped her tears off her cheeks and held her hands….” Grandma,It’s ok…That vase is not more important than you…Why will I get angry on you…I know how much you love me…I know you must have done it unknowingly…You will never do anything to hurt me…It’s just glass vase,it was bound to be broken…because Glass is fragile…Don’t cry Grandma…I’ll get a new vase before Father finds out that this one is broken…Please don’t cry…I can’t see your tears”…and gave her tight squeezed hug…

That was when Grandma looked up and said “You are clever boy…When you all this…then what were you crying for some time before??”…Ram looked at her surprisingly….” Hmm,just as crying for this broken vase won’t get the pieces plastered together…in the same way,crying on mistakes won’t make them right…or solve your problems….When you can think of getting new vase and replacing the broken one before your father finds out…then are you so weak or dumb that you can’t find a a way out of this problem…There might be many people responsible for your success…But for your failure…Only you are Responsible.”

” When your Father held your hands and was teaching you to walk…You had fall down at times,If he left your hand…But did that stop you from learning how to walk???….Failures are lessons…from which You learn how not to commit those same mistakes again…Failures are meaningful chapters of your Life…Because unless You see failure…You forget how to respect Success….It’s God’s way of reminding you,that you should not let success go into your head…So,my Child…stop blaming yourself for your mistakes and learn from them…Make yourself so strong and sensible,that no one again dares to fool around with you…Never think that because of whatever has happened your Father will stop trusting you…We all love you alot…We will always stand by you in all walks of life…Don’t bother how much others trust you or what society will think of you…Just live for yourself…Trust your instincts..They will never fail you in any way…”

Ram didn’t know how to react…His Grandma had just taught him the most important lesson he ever learned…”You are right…I was running away from my problems,rather than facing them…But not anymore…I won’t give up so easily…I strive again and rise like the phoenix rises from its own ashes….Nothing can lower my self esteem now..Thank you,Grandma….What will I do if You were not here”

On that Grandma smiled again and replied ” You are just like your Grandpa….He also grumbles alot…Then I have to try something like this broken vase to get him back to his senses…Practice makes even WOMEN perfect…Doesn’t it???….Then she laughed out like she always did…When she was most happy….Ram felt warmth seeping through him…which he knew would give the all the strength he needed…To get all things back on Track!!!!

©Krishnaveni Balasubramanian

It was the Day that everyone in the world is afraid about…RESULTS…This seven letter can rip the souls out of Your body in no time…Make you Feel as if Hell was next Door..I was afraid…Not of what might come in my Results…But what my Future may hold for me…Depending on what My results WERE LIKE!!!

Then the dreaded hour stuck….The results were available online…I typed in my Roll number…In utter MISERY…That was the moment when I felt my two world’s merge together…One where i could see light and the other which was full of….DARKNESS…The scroller was going in circles…I felt like my Head was spinning…Round and Round and Round…Then my results were there on the screen…I watched aghast..As if I had seen some ghost from my Distant Past…

95%….I jumped off the chair…Leaping around,My joy knew no bounds..I called all my family members and showed them the results…I saw the pride in their eyes…My Father gave me the biggest warm hug and said He was proud…He had tears in his eyes…My Mother just did not know how to React…Because She was from a Generation…Where women were never allowed to go to school..let alone get educated…So getting such marks was out of question…My Uncles went berserk telling everyone in the society that there niece had got top score(if allowed maybe,They would have written this on society notice board as well…I’m glad that they never took these EXTREME MEASURES)My aunts followed suit(Taking our Indian mindset that Husband is always right…A BIT too seriously)…They called up each and every Contact on their mobiles(ask me about the misuse of technology and waste of money)…To announce to them The biggest Happening News of the Millennium!!!

Well this was just the beginning of My Ordeal…It said that Family comes together in bad times…Mine also do…The only problem was that They come together to get those so called “Bad times” for me!!!!….Everyone searched up all the websites(the one’s available and also the one’s unavailable in frantic attempt…Thinking that If they searched for that site without leaving any stone unturned…May be that site will appear out of no where….I don’t blame them…I blame Shahrukh Khan for this…Remember that dialogue from Om Shanti Om)

Hmm…So this was it…It was that day,I realized many things very clearly…The first thing being That…Parents and Relatives are biggest Dreamers in this World…The only difficulty being that They never dream for themselves…but for their KIDS…What they dreamt of becoming….But could not become..They hope their children to become that….So the popular mentality prevalent in Indian Society is that If You are Boy….You should become ONLY Engineer…While if you are Girl…Your only option is to become Doctor(This is what I call Real Gender Bias)…But the only thing that I FAIL to understand is that if all gals borne in India were to become doctors ONLY…How will we get all patients for them…If all guys were to become Civil Engineers ONLY…Where the hell is that much space in India for all of them to have their constructions brought from paper to reality….The answer is BIG ?????….

Right…So getting back to me…My parents and everyone else finally decided that I should become Doctor…For the first time…I could see My dreams down the dungeon…Because being A doctor was not something that I really Dreamt of…The castle of My dreams came crashing down…That Day I understood what is feeling which everyone calls…Depression….I wanted to shout at all…Tell them,That I was not interested in becoming Doctor…I just got up and walked up to my Room..fell down on my bed…and cried…I don’t remember for how long….

It was then…That I got call from my friend.” Hey Riya…Congrats Gal..95%…AWESOME…So when is Treat…Hey did u tell your parents about SACON”….I grasped for breath…I felt like I could not talk anymore.
” They want me to be Doctor”…”So what’s the big deal about it….After your Ph.D…You will be Doctor,Riya”….Trying to make my friend Savi to understand something was like,breaking my Head in front of Stone….”You are not getting it Savi..They want me to be real Doctor…Hospital types..Surgeon,gynecologist….Are you getting my Problem”….

Then again I started sobbing…”Riya,Dear….Don’t Cry…Please Talk to Your Parents…Tell them You want to be Wild life Activist…They will understand,Dear”….It was then that I started sobbing even more…”No,They will never understand…God…why did I ever get this thing in my head…I had so many dreams…I wanted to research rare species of animals in Indian Forests….Find out the reason of their dwindling numbers….Do my BIT….To save them….But I don’t think anyone in my family will ever let go near any jungle…Let alone do Research….What should I do,Savi…I can never be what I wanted to be”….Tears flew down more…As I could not speak,I switched off my mobile….Only to turn back and find my Mother standing at the door of My Room….

She looked at me and that little faint smile..which She always gave…When as kid…I did not listen to her and persisted for Ice-cream(which Of course,Gave me cold)…But that day…I saw in her smile,weird understanding..As if She had just understood everything without me telling her anything (but that’s every Mom special department…I often wonder If all Mother’s in the world are Born with Gene…Which gets Switched on…Only When their Children are in trouble…Mom’s are the best Troubleshooter’s in the World)….That Night was big celebration at home…Only I did not enjoy it..I felt so dizzy that,I went off and dozed off to sleep..To get required strength for next day’s ordeal….

Only morning did not turn out to be ordeal…Because when I woke up and stretched my arms to hit the screaming alarm off…I felt a paper…I woke up all startled and hastily read that paper…Only to find that it was Downloaded application Form for “Salim Ali Center for Ornithology and Natural History’s Integrated Ph.D program”….I jumped out of my bed…and rushed to the hall..where My Dad was siting on the couch,having his morning coffee…When he saw me…He gave that odd smile…which he always did…When he found out that I had stolen sweets when Mom was not there in the kitchen…

I rushed to him and give him a hug…He laughed and said “Hope my Little Princess is Happy now…Well…Let me guess…That twinkle in Your Eyes says it all…But why You didn’t tell me this before…Afraid???”….I lowered my Head and nodded…He laughed again as if I had told him the best Joke….”When you were born and I took you in my arms…I felt as if the whole world was in my arms…When you smiled,I felt like I was on top of the world…You are the best Gift in my life…That moment,I had promised myself…That your wishes will always come before mine…Yeah,it’s true that I would have felt proud If you became a Doctor…But I would never be glad if You did it half heartedly..I’ll feel equally happy in Whatever You do…Provided You are satisfied…We were and will always be there for you,My little Princess.”

“Whatever may happen…Whatever may be the situation…Always Listen to that little voice in Your Heart…YOUR INNER VOICE…Trust it more than anyone else..Because it knows what is best for you,Your inner voice will never fail you…We may not be there for you Tomorrow…But Your heart will always be there for you…AT THE RIGHT PLACE AND RIGHT TIME…Learn to take decisions for your own well being dear…Trust no one else…But Yourself…Because if You don’t…You will be lost in that crowd outside…Do what You enjoy the best….Remember,the most important thing is to Live your Life…Not Pretend to be alive….Your Soul should be in your work”

I cried again when Dad said this….But only this time…It was in happiness…That’s when,I saw from the corner of my eye…My mom was standing behind my Dad….again Smiling….I knew instantly…That even now…She must have understood my UNSAID WORDS!!!!

©Krishnaveni Balasubramanian

Innocence Lost Forever!!!!!

When I was a Kid,
Did anyone Have,
The dare to Forbid,
I was my Dad’s Princess,
My Every Will and Wish,
Being a Success!!!

Those were the Best Days,
When I had my own cute ways,
With Mom’s love and hug,
Life was all smug!!!

When Dad was my horse,
Riding on him High,
Life was not coarse,
Dreams were My best Buy!!!

When only things broken,
Were Soft little toys,
Friendship was best token,
With no idea of evil ploys!!!

When drinks were,
Nothing more than Lime juice,
Unknown was the BEER,
Common things being put to Best Use!!!

When the absolute Luxury,
Was Grandma’s Story,
When there was no Fury,
Being together was all GLORY!!!

When Good-bye meant,
We’ll meet Tomorrow,
With picnics in Tents,
And no knowledge of Sorrow!!!

Today I’m so far away,
I feel alone,
Because I’m not Home,
Life has gone all Astray….

Those were the best days,
When I had my innocent ways,
My Heart yearns for Them,
When Family was Life’s Stem!!!!

©Krishnaveni Balasubramanian

A Letter To My Father!!!!

My Dear Father,

I really don’t remember when we both sat down and had a Talk…A real Father and Son Talk…I don’t even remember when was the last time You sat down with me and strolled my head and asked if I was having Good times in my Life…But Today,when I’m so very Far Away from you and mom…from everyone else at home…I thought that May be this is last chance I’ll get to talk to you.That’s why I’m writing this letter…

When I was kid,I saw other boys in our village going to school…I wanted to go with them…I wanted to learn…To write…To read…To be amongst those boys and be Educated…I wanted to be Doctor or Engineer…I wanted Respect…From this society…For me and for everyone in our family…I wanted to feel the pride in Mother’s eyes when she walked through the village and others talked about her having such GOOD SON…I wanted all of this…

But all You gave me was Refusal…While I wanted books in my hands…You gave me away to that Hotel Owner who lived down the lane…So that he made me slog…Slog like dogs…To be bitten at his hands…To be starved…To be hit and not be able to utter a word of protest…I wanted to scream…when he had burn my hands with Hot charcoal…for not doing job fast…But i could not Scream…Because if even i let out shrill sound..I would not get food for 3-4 days…

So I ran away Father…Because I could no longer take in torture to pay for your luxuries…Your whole and sole reason of being alive…ALCOHOL…I know you must have beat Mother blue and black,thinking that She let me go…But trust me Father…It was not her…You were only reason for my running away and never coming back….Today,I have come away so far…That although I want to return,I can’t Father….

Hmmm…After I ran away,I was wondering on the streets…That was when UNCLE found me…He took me home…Only this home was different…It was full of guys who were preparing…For what seemed like some battle…Guns and ammunition all around…I didn’t understand anything Father…But then Uncle fed me food…For the 1st time in my life…I had food that tasted GOOD…Then he asked me if I wanted to learn…And I said Yes instantly…Only then I didn’t know that this Education will cost me my LIFE!!!!

Years passed by and I studied at best places in world…Uncle made sure that I got best education…Taught me about JIHAD…Only then I didn’t understand Father,that I was just being grown up as Guinea Pig…I did not understand that JIHAD,Uncle taught me was all wrong…I played game to most of their plans…Helped them blew off innocent people…took so many lives…that today I’m ashamed of my Existence….

Dear Father,This is my last letter to you…Because today,I’m in jail…being tried for all that I did,unknowingly….Father,that’s why I’m writing this letter to you…Please Father….don’t push My little Brother and My two little sisters into this dungeon…So that they would not Run away from Home….and become WHAT I HAVE BECOME!!!!

It was not my fault….I wanted only education…For that sure enough I’ll pay hefty prize…With my life….But I want my mistakes to be a lesson for all youngsters who don’t know exact meaning of Jihad…Please Father,Don’t hate me for what I’m today….Because I never intended to be this…I only wanted to be learned…NOT THIS!!!!

Remembering You all in my last moments,

Your Son,
TERRORIST

©Krishnaveni Balasubramanian

The sky was filled with mist.It had rained all night and the clouds had descended on the land.She sat on garden bench,looking towards the depths of water in lake facing the garden.The stone tiles of garden were all wet because of last night’s rains…So were her Eyes….But with Tears!!!!!

She glanced up and heaved a sigh…not one of Relief…But of Pain and clenched the pendant in her Hands more tightly.She wanted to stop…To stop crying…To Forget and Forgive…To allow the wounds to Heal…But memories kept lashing back like bad thunderstorms…She felt trapped…With no way to Escape!!!

“Why me…did I not love you enough…May be I was wrong…I did mistakes,all right…But does that mean You had to THIS???….WHY??…I have everything I want…But still I feel alone…Because You are not Here anymore”.She looked down again in the lake…But saw not her face..But His Image instead…His smiling Face..Holding hands…Only it was not her…But that of his WIFE!!!

She walked up to the bench again and sat down with heavy heart.She glanced up again and wanted to curse…Only she didn’t know whom to curse for all the pain that She was feeling…Finally she made up her mind…”God, Are You really there??? Do you Exist??? Or You just A word..If You are really anywhere in any part of the world…Come down here from Your Heaven…And answers my questions…If you have the guts for that???”

Again unable to control she laid her face between her hands and cried…Like crying was only answer available right now…Suddenly She heard footsteps…Soft little steps…Then she felt warm little hand on her shoulder…When she found the courage to glance up again…All that her tear filled eyes could see was a Little girl standing in front of her…With a Blue Umbrella,smiling at her.

“why are you crying???…Someone scolded you for eating chocolates or Ur Mom did not allow you to play in the rains???”….She didn’t know how to reply to little girl’s innocent query…She again looked down and replied “Nothing dear,Im not crying for all that…You would not understand…You are too small to understand My Pain!!!”

“Hmm…May be You are right…Even Mom says that I’m too small to understand things…Hey,how is my Umbrella…Blue is my favorite colour…Do You like Blue ah???”….Krisha gave a silent nod,unable to say anything more….”You know it was raining heavily last night…My umbrella got all wet…I forget to dry it…Then in morning Mom told me to rush down to grocery store…But my umbrella is still so WET”….Krisha didn’t understand why the little girl was so worried about wet umbrella…When her whole world was crashing down so badly!!!

“Why are you so bothered about umbrella being wet” asked Krisha….Girl replied ” Because if The water stays back in umbrella…It stinks…I hate that STINK”….Krisha only wondered as to why she was talking to this girl right now…At least not now…When all that she should be doing was CRYING…

That was when she felt little girl’s hand on her own hand ” Krisha,Your life is like the Umbrella…You made the wrong choice…chose wrong person…Like the umbrella takes on rain on itself….You took on the pains on yourself….But the most important thing is to dry umbrella…Let go of these memories”….while the girl said so,Krisha felt small thug on the pendant she held in her hands….” If u keep these memories locked inside…Then like umbrella…Your life will also STINK”…

Krisha suddenly saw up and for the first time saw the little girl…She had not observed but the little girl was really cute..with the best smile in the world….Krisha found herself smiling a bit…

She stood up and walked to the lake.Then she bent down and looked down…This time she could see her Face…She looked at pendant in her hand and then threw it into the lake…Suddenly She felt as if someone had taken a huge burden off her head…She felt light…At HEART!!!!

It was then that it suddenly dawned on her…” Hey but how did u know my name was Krisha…I never told you my name???””….She turned back to look at the girl…But the girl was not there…Only the morning mist flew past…Beyond that what Krisha saw was lying there on the garden bench…THE BLUE UMBRELLA!!!!

©Krishnaveni Balasubramanian

Are You The RAINS???

I was walking down d lane,

When you touched my cheeks,

Only when I looked up to gaze,

It was Rains…Not You!!!!

The Soil smelled like Heaven,

The Sky was all filled with Colours,

I looked around for You…

But only memories Rocked me!!!!

I could see the Sun above,

Below The Sky was still Crying,

At a distance,I saw bow of colours!!!

But Saw Your Image there Instead!!!!

I had always wished,

That it Rains all d year around!!!

My love for you ws also

Forever…which ends NEVER!!

But now The Rains are gone,

May be I was Wrong,

Because You are also gone,

Like the RAINS,

Was my Love all in Vain???

©Krishnaveni Balasubramanian

The world seemed my domain,

When u were Here,

But now it seems a dream nt so near!!!

Everything was a success,

When u were Here,

But now failure is al that seems near!!!

Life was all about LOVE,

When u were Here,

But now even that feeling is not near!!!

You had promised me the sky

When u were Here,

But now even the land has skipped my grounds,

COZ U R NOT NEAR!!!!

©Krishnaveni Balasubramanian

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