Category: My Freaking Thoughts

The Day I felt You,

I saw different Hues!!!

I felt your Scent,

My heart had Dent!!!!


I searched for You,

Frantic at my Lose,

But I just Withdrew,

Hurt from the bruise…


You are not with Me,

Yet I feel your Love,

My heart is thee,

You are mine Forever!!!


I sense you in Dark,

Your Laugh is Spark,

I feel you in the Light,

My passion You ignite!!!!


My Dreams are full Of You,

The closer we Grew,

My Mind seems to Know,

Wherever You go!!!!


I can read your Mind,

Even if You are Miles,

With You…I’m bind,

Will we walk the Aisles???


I always seem to ask,

When there will be no Mask,

When I can be Truly Your’s,

There will be no inner Wars!!!


The Day I felt You,

I saw different Hues!!!

I felt your Scent,

My heart had Dent!!!!



New dreams flourish with the arrival of NEW YEAR…So let’s just forget the old maladies and sing in the new blooms of the coming year…Here’s wishing all my blogger friends and my lovely readers “A VERY HAPPY AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR”….Keep smiling everyone 🙂

Depression….One of the many words that causes huge anxiety in anyone’s mind…Some are actually scared of this disorder because they are too afraid to actually accept that they are suffering from a mental disorder….Life’s complete turmoil unless and until we accept the complications and try  to solve them…But there are many who just don’t want to take the first step….In such circumstances staying focused itself is huge pain….You find everything irritating….You like to keep yourself isolated…Fear social exposure….The most naive things that probably You won’t even consider for a second seem so very important and all important things take a back-seat….You criticize yourself too much….The whole world seems to be conspiring behind you….

Well practically these are some of the delusions that we face when we are suffering from depression….So please do yourself a favor….Get some help or at least help yourself-

1.There is no way until you find it out….Cursing yourself only drains your energy….So don’t dig the bones out the OLD closet…Let them rest there in peace….Get a life….Yes,memories are hard to forget (specially when you have just suffered from bad breakup)….But instead of crying that you have lost the person with whom you shared those memories….Just lie back,remember the good times….Take deep breath in and be glad that the memories are still YOURS 🙂

2.Guilt and Ego are two very bad emotions….They can kill the soul out of you….In most of the cases the person feels guilty about something wrong that he/she has done with someone close….But the high-end EGO just won’t let you say the simple “SORRY”….So you will just suffocate yourself by keeping yourself away from your loved ones….But you won’t bow down…Come on take it easy….Too much guilt can actually get you entrapped in negative emotions….A simple sorry can do wonders….Try it!!!!

3.The worst news about being in depression is….fall in confidence levels!!!….When you are depressed,even the Old Grandma next door seems a threat ;)….Jokes apart,drop in confidence levels actually affects your output levels because you lose your focus….You just keep thinking about what you want….neglect what You have…lose respect for yourself….In this process,you start negating things…What people see is absolutely negative image of you….So,please Trust yourself and respect your limits….Because you are what no-one else can ever be 🙂

4.Dreams….The most important part of our life….We dream about what we really want….Dreams are desires from the bottom of our heart….But depression just drives the dreams out of our head and puts “NO-ENTRY” board for them….You stop dreaming….you stop breathing!!!….Yes how can you survive when You don’t know for what you are alive….You start recoiling back…Depression strikes a terrible blow on your self image….So,you just fear about having expectations….This is something that should not be done….Whatever happens,don’t stop dreaming….Don’t stop planning and never ever give up at anything less than everything that You have dreamed for!!!

5.Human mind is creative….But at times it starts using its creative powers otherwise…..Our mind has amazing ability to distort things to make us believe whatever you believe in….So the more negatively you think…the more negative things your mind will discover to distort your mindset….So why think negatively and make things worse….I’m not saying that be Proud….No,don’t let anything get into your head….But do stay at ground level and appreciate yourself….Instead of moaning for things that You have lost….Feel lucky for people who are still there in your life….Because the people who went away were never truly yours….Adversity is always the best time to know the best people in your life 🙂

6. The biggest mistake that most of us do when we go through bad times is shutting up the doors….We lock up ourselves away from all near and dear ones…and in the process of punishing ourselves….we punish them for no faults of theirs….First thing we need to understand is that we are Humans and not apes….Because nature has gifted us with the amazing ability to think,speak and feel….So the next time you feel abit low…Don’t screw yourself….Think (because being away from your closed ones will only increase your pain),Speak ( because when you share your pain with your near ones,you decrease your pain),and ya FEEL….feel the love around you 🙂

7. Goal….the best way to keep depression away….When you have a goal,you plan…When you plan,you immerse yourself in work….You try to give your 100%….That’s where you take over your depression….When you keep your mind occupied,it doesn’t have time to think about negative things…..When you start thinking positively,Life takes optimistic turn…Always remember that whatever happens is always for the best….If you have lost something may be it was worth your effort…or may be God has planned something much better and bigger for you 🙂

8. Take a little vacation….Go out with friends….take a stroll by the beach….or go for hikes….Listen to old country music …Or just grap hold of your Grandma and make her tell you old stories…..Being a kid does not hurt….Don’t trap the kid inside you…Let it out at times….It’s nice to play cricket with kids in your colony…or soil your expensive cloths on rainy day playing football….Those days won’t come back….But you can surely relive them again….

9.Direction….No,I’m not talking about the direction to head back home ;)….I’m specifically talking about the direction which will lead your Life….Having focus and Goal is not enough….You need to have direction….in simple words a fool-proof strategy to achieve these goals….Simply writing down scheme of things on paper and not putting them into actual practice will not get you anywhere….Come on,we are 99% out of depression….If you have come so far successfully without any hiccups….You can move ahead…Trust yourself 🙂

10.Congratulations….You are now completely back on trail to normalcy….Nothing can stop you now….The most important advice is…BEFORE YOU LOVE SOMEONE ELSE….LOVE YOURSELF!!!!

Whenever anyone asks me what was the best and the worst moments in your life….The answer always zeroes down to the same place….Yes,the best moments in my life were spent in my School….the worst moment in my life was when I had grown up so old…that I could no longer go to school….I know normally kids hate school…They get all sorts of ailments and aches only on Monday’s when they have to go back to school after weekend holiday….But I was bit abnormal….I just hated holidays…. and could not wait to go back to school….School was like my first home… teachers and friends my family!!!!

It has been almost 8 years since I left the safe confines of my school to enter this competitive world….where everyone was in hurry….I felt dizzy on stepping into this world….More than the peer pressure it was the sudden change in my world that made me feel very uncomfortable!!!…..Yes,I just could not comprehend the fact that from a place where School Teachers went to great extents to make sure that we were comfortable in our own space….I was suddenly pushed into a (OUTER) space where Professors were least bothered about our existence….So,the friendly approach was amiss and I wished I could just ran back HOME ( read School 😦 )….I don’t know how many of you really miss your school days….But I do miss them alot…and so Today’s post is about all those lovely moments I spent in my School!!!

I still remember the first day in school….It’s usual tradition that kids cry alot on getting separated from their parents….But my class was bit different….I really don’t remember anyone of us crying….Because there was little slide in the corner of our L.K.G class…..So on entering the classroom,instead of crying we all get busy with taking turns on the slide….Those were some careless days….No worries…Learning alphabets and numbers was no big deal….Although the best part was shouting our lungs out while telling the poetry rhymes,to volumes all tuned up 😉 (So that we could offend the teacher so much that for the rest of day she would just leave us in peace)….Personally my favorite time was always spent in little sand garden that we had opposite to our canteen….The garden had slides,merry-go-round and other play stuffs….Everyday after-school time was allotted to this garden….The most funny part was to push the person siting in front of you from the slide….So that they would land head on straight into the sands (No offense meant….We were kids right 😉 )….

Wish I could become kid on slides and merry-go-around like before!!!

We just didn’t realize how soon time flew past and two years down the line we all were in Primary Section….Promoted….To our next level of Mischief :)….I still remember that day very vividly….We were in 2nd standard and our Class Teacher was absent…..So two of our seniors had been called in to keep our class in control….Honestly they did try their best….But I told you that we were from a different breed….We seldom listened to teachers (so listening to seniors was out of question)….So in final attempt both of them scared us by telling us stories of our next year’s Class teacher Mrs.Parekh….We had already heard alot about her….But whatever our seniors told us….seriously scared us all the more….One more year passed on….and we were face to face with the ghost of our life-Mrs.Parekh (No,I’m not calling her a Ghost because of the amount of make-up that she applied ;))….Although we were scared of her for a month or so….We could not keep quite for long…..within three months time….We drove her up the wall….By the time our first semester ended….She was so harassed trying to keep our class under control….that either daily she had to take pain killers for headache or she would actually take half day leave and run off home 😉 (But still we were kids right 😉 )…..

Seriously we were the naughtiest batch in the entire school….and we were actually proud of it!!!….I still remember all that fun….Sneaking around the corridors….playing in the rains and watching our play ground turn into swimming pool and stealing mangoes from the Mango Tree in our school garden….We did it all….One more incident that I can never forget is what i call “The Rat’s Day Out”….Our Science Teacher Mrs.Kamath was taking our class(I know this may sound rude….but we were all sleeping as always)

Backbench was my favorite place....Best place to sleep!!!!

When suddenly someone from the corner of the class screamed “Eekkkksss….There a rat here “…..So we all jumped on our bench-tops….more shouting and screaming followed….Somehow Kamath Miss convinced us all and made us sit st our places so that she could take her class……But we were not in mood to listen….So we all put our great minds to use and in perfect co-ordination….started the RAT hoopla again….Every 5 minutes someone would shout that there is rat here…and there….Finally Kamath Miss got all pissed off….and called the peon…The class was vacated and the peons went on RAT HUNT (Like treasure hunt)….Finally after 15 minutes,the peon caught the rat and threw it out of the window….Kamath Miss heaved a sigh of relief….But the moment we stepped inside the class the bell rang….WE ALL HEAVED A SIGH OF RELIEF ;)….

Well….when you fool around with Teachers it’s understandable….But when you do the same with the School principal…You have guts….Ya,sure guts we had!!!!….We were in 10th Standard,when our Principal out of respect for Class teacher(and actually our Class Teacher was the only person in whole school whom we were afraid of) decided to take History Classes for us (Normally Principal never took classes)….So there we were…The naughtiest class in school siting in the classroom and trying hard to act decent in front of the Principal of the School….Actually for week we did succeed in doing that….But then we got bored acting so nice….More than we were frustrated by the way,our Principal taught….She had peculiar style of teaching….Everyday she would revise whatever she taught the day before and then start afresh…So ultimately what happened was that even after a week…We just stuck with the 1857 revolution which had started a week back…Then one day we observed that when one of our classmates was coughing….Madam would stop until He stopped coughing….There,our devil brains started working again…So from the next day began our daily ritual of COUGHING our heart’s way out 😉 After-all we were kids !!!….Our Principal tried to adjust for week with our persistent sneezing…But ultimately she complained to our Class teacher (Imagine a School Principal complaining to the Teacher that Students don’t let her teach 😉 )….So the next day,Our Teacher got us Halls tablets and distributed it in the whole class….Warned us all that we should not catch Cold 😉

I met my life friends in my school....The best feeling in the world!!!

There are so many memories that bring back smiles and tears that this one post would not suffix…So there are definitely  many more post to follow where I’ll share all those funny but the best moments of my Life….spent at my most favorite place in this world…MY SCHOOL…..I don’t know about my future….But wherever I go….However far away…..No one can steal these moments from me 🙂 !!!

Even today when I look out of the window during the rains....All I wish for is my School Days!!!!

I have spent my life time thinking “Why is Money so very important“….How can this piece of paper possibly have the power of changing our mindset…our heartfelt desires….and carve our future…..Why is that we always bow down to the practicalities….and forget what we really want from our life….Why is that the world challenges our decisions….and at times even makes us feel so small for it…Why is that parents usually take into account the laurels of other kids….But fail to recognize their own kids merits???

Limitless questions….But few answers….My parents always said that they knew what was best for me….But I was an absolute rebel…. and most importantlyI KNEW WHAT WAS BEST FOR ME!!!!”….They wanted to see their daughter as a Doctor….But I choose a different path….Convincing them was very difficult….But get MONEY into the picture….And your parents will agree to your most outrageous plans….They just need to be convinced that what ever career you have chosen will give returns for the money that has been invested into education….So…here I’m…..Pursuing my dream of finding out new things by being Ph.D research scholar….By doing so,I partially fulfilled my parent’s desire of having the title “Doctor” before my name….But somewhere in the attempt to please them….I lost some of my heart felt desires… let me rewind some moments of my life….Look back and discover….”3 Jobs which I had pursue If MONEY didn’t matter”…..

I just love colors….loved fusing them….playing around with their fusions….Rainbow is my absolute favorite….Because it has all primary colors of the palette….I just loved to reflect the hues of the sunset….to paint the enigmatic sands of beach….felt the kiddish joy on sketching the children playing in the garden….Painting was my passion…my way of relaxing….to ease all worries….to immerse myself into the sea of colors….and forget about everything else….Wish I could get those days back….How I wish that I could afford to be less pragmatic about my life and have the luxury of pursuing my dream of being painter….I don’t know if I would ever be that good in research work….But I can vouch out for the fact that I would have been better PAINTER!!!

Pencil sketching was my favorite....Wish I had not given up on this Art....

Second option on the cards was….Telling stories….Yes weaving human emotions in such way that they touch others life and heart was always my dream (actually it still is…That’s the reason for the existence of this blog)….Writing gives me the opportunity to share my innermost thoughts….It acts as therapy for me….Because when I write,I get to express myself at different level….When I need to convince someone of my story,I need to be very sure of the things that I say and write….So that means “I SHOULD PRACTICE WHAT I PREACH”…..The words that I write and the hidden meanings behind them should be useful to all….So all the hard work that goes into writing a story actually is process….I had say it is a process of enlightenment…..I may not be Mahavira or Buddha…..But if I could help to improve others life by weaving stories that changes their outlook towards handling problems….That gives me a great sense of satisfaction….So all in all….If money didn’t matter (because writing stories is not difficult…But convincing Publisher to actually publish your work surely is)….Then no doubt I would have been a WRITER!!!!

If I had not given up....May be someday....Even my books would be as famous as these....

Third and last option would be being close to Nature….Apart from capturing colors on canvas I also love to click pictures that portray the enigmatic eclipses of Mother Nature….The sight of varied reds and violets on the horizon at sunset….getting a closer shot of the wings of the butterfly….capturing the water droplets on the petals of flowers….gives me immense pleasure!!!….It can be a bit tricky at times when you try capturing objects in constant motion like fluttering humming birds or butterflies which would not stop for second….But the ultimate joy of getting the perfect shot after running around after them….Can never be compared with anything else!!!….The best part is that at times I get to discover things that are absolutely new….So,if not a painter or writer….Then I would have been a WILD LIFE PHOTOGRAPHER!!!!

The contrast created by te tiny grasshopper on the bright orange flower is captivating!!!!

Hope that day comes…When money would not count the moments of joy….But inner satisfaction would….When I would not be a part of the rat race….and would be able to live my life as per my own terms!!!!

Most of us have experienced fear at some point of time in our Life…Some have a fear for water and are called “Hydrophobic”…Some fear heights and are called “Acrophobic”…The list is endless and so are the many dimensions of fear…There might no Man alive who didn’t have fear…Because from my point of view…”Everyone should have HEALTHY fear”…Now you might think as to how fear can be healthy…Let me illustrate some incidents from my Life which have taught me to respect fear(and also made me learn how to overcome them as well)…

But before that,We should know what this word “Fear” actually means???….According to the Dictionary,Fear has been defined as “An emotion experienced in anticipation of some specific pain or danger (usually accompanied by a desire to flee or fight)”….Now I really don’t know about the flight thing….But I’m very sure of the FLEE thing!!!…Because most of the times,I find the FLEE option very enticing to use…instead of facing the fear…Until….Of course,Some day I’m left with no other option but to FACE IT….That to….Headstraight:(

So here is list of all the Fears that I faced in my Life…On how I overcame them…How’s the “Healthy Bug” involved-
1) The Fear Of Fire
The biggest possible reason of why I’m very bad cook…is my Fear for Fire….which is called as Arsonphobia(at times I feel the phobic terms used for each Fear is more frightening than the fear itself:D)…Actually,I didn’t have first hand experience of this phobia till I entered my Chemistry Laboratory in school…We had to light a matchstick for an experiment and that was when…I was hysteric,because Fire would drive my nerves crazy….Even after my arduous efforts at trying to light matchstick…without getting my fingers burned in the process…I failed miserably…But I did not have the option to stay for all my lifetime with this phobia…Because we had chemistry practicals exams in the next week…A week’s notice!!!!

Way of Escape-So I did what I always did for my Exams…Made my Mom sit with me and tried to light as many matchsticks as I could…Trying to get control on my shivering hands…I won’t say that I succeeded much at that…But at least,I learned how to light matchstick,by getting better control on my nerves(making sure that I did not blast the lab)…After all these years,now that I have to use fire in lab on daily basis for all microbiological work…I don’t get any goosebumps as such…I’m not still very good cook…But at least,I can cook something decent enough without setting the kitchen on fire…

Healthy Bug– It’s good that as kid,I was afraid of fire…Because I’m such naughty kid..that I might have just set the gas stove on for fun…But the fear persisted me from at least going anywhere near the gas stove til I was old enough to know the consequences…Thanks to my fear…I’m still alive(so are others at my home!!!)

2) The Fear For Crawling and Creeping Creatures on Planet Earth
This fear stems from my absolute hatred for all creatures that creep and crawl(including cockroaches,lizards,millipedes,centipedes and rats)….Every creatures that drives me up the wall…shouting and screeching…The phobia is called Entomophobia (this phobic term is at the most in sync with the fear itself)…
I had mostly leave the job of driving these things out to my Dad…who always felt that it was his birth right to kill these pests and make our Home…Pest free Zone!!!

I would not have the dare to face these creepy crawly pests…Until I had no other option left…I was alone in my Hostel room for study holidays…That was when,One fine evening,I found my nightmare…Right in my cupboard…Siting there in royal posture like King!!!….A large Garden Lizard!!!….I freaked out like anything…I had stayed in harmony for many years with lizards at home…Keeping as much distance from them as possible….I would have left this one as well…But it was happily chewing into my food supplies…and I was not particularly excited at having Garden lizard as a room mate…

(Frankly this is not my Dog…I just downloaded this picture…Because the Lizard was just as big as the one on this Dog’s back)

Way Of Escape-Then I had to do the inevitable…Drive Mr.Bossy out all on my own…I took the only help available then…Broomstick…Tried to drag it out from my cupboard…But being garden Lizard…Not only was it more Big in Size…But also more sticky…So it won’t give up easily…Already,I was sweating like I was in Hell(thinking of the possibility that what if this beast jumped on me)…So I dragged it with all the force that I could apply…At last,it came off…So I just pushed it off the window and shut it closed…So that no garden lizard again found its way into my cupboard(most importantly near my food supplies:( )

Healthy Bug-It’s good that I was afraid of lizards…Because that day after driving it out…I realized one more time…That until You FACE Your fear…It is going to haunt you all your life…Making you a Big time Phobic…Fear can only be overcome By seeing it eye to eye (although I won’t say that seeing lizard’s eye is such a good option)….But at least,now I won’t stand having those crawling creatures in my room…Although….Of course,I still don’t have my Dad’s guts to kill them….But I guess there are more peaceful ways to survival:)….

This age has seen the rise of technology…and bigger part of it was associated with Communication…In good old days…The only ways were letters,money orders (love letters being strictly reserved for pigeons)…and most recently Emails…But progress bought with it a massive phenomenon…Which is called as “FACEBOOK”….Anytime you login…You will always find your friends there…The only problem being that many of them may be people whom you haven’t met in you whole life….But now Facebook has become more than way of Life..It has become an ADDICTION….The worst thing being…that I’m big time Addict!!!

Despite the fact,that I’m well aware of the ill effects that FOS causes like any other dangerous disease…In fact I can very well see the signs and symptoms,which I had like to share with you all-
1) Sudden urge to login and check news feed(as if the world would end and you won’t even know about it,if you didn’t check the feed)
2)Updating your status every hour and then checking out,if anyone has commented on your status,almost 60 times.
3)Chatting with friends almost for whole day(But when you meet them personally…all you have to say is simple Hi or Hello)
4)Posting all your family trips pictures and waiting for comments(until some one from your family sees them…and holds you responisible for spoiling their “VIRTUAL” image on facebook!!!)

Now you all must be wondering about what is fear associated with Facebook…Well..the fear is of having the stigma of not being “NET-SAVVY AND OLD FASHIONED”…if you are not on Facebook…Then you are most backward and illiterate person on Planet Earth…To be in sync with recent trends and to get yourself called as “all knowing”…You have to part of FACEBOOK…

Way Of Escape-There is absolutely no escape from this fear…Until we get control on our mindset…We have to accept the fact that being on social website doesn’t improve our social image…But damages it all the more…Because all those futile hours before computer….Could be properly utilized somewhere else…Instead of being stuck online with friends…Why not make that extra effort…Just shut down that computer,catch up with all your friends OFFLINE…plan trip where you can experience the Real beauty of Nature and feel the touch of fresh breeze…than trapping yourself in this virtual world,which just keeps you far away from the real world…and the REAL lively people in it….

So…what would you prefer…Trekking in some Green forests like the one on the left or Going for walk on the beach with your loved one’s….or just keep on staring on the blank screen in between…I had prefer the Treks…What about you???

Healthy Bug-There is nothing good about this Fear…But if you overcome this,surely it will be good…I can’t say anything more about this…because I have myself not overcome this fear….The process still continues….But one day,I’m sure that I’ll will succeed in getting over this fear as well…Because living without a social network is obviously less scary than Fire and Lizards:P….When I can get over them….I can surely get over “Facebook Obsession Syndrome” as well….Hope you all will also be successful in overcoming all your fears….Because beyond that fear,There is the joy of satisfaction….That ultimately,You are no more PHOBIC!!!!

©Krishnaveni Balasubramanian

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